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Miscellaneous. September 13, 2006

Posted by J.P. in Houseism.
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“Like I always say, there’s no ‘I’ in TEAM. There’s a ‘me’ though, if you jumble it up”

“There is not a thin line between love and hate! There is in fact a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate. “

Dr. Cameron: Who (thinks he’s sick)?
House: His wife.
Dr. Cameron: The woman you used to live with.
House: That’s her Indian name. On her driver’s license it’s “Stacy.”

Dr. Cuddy: I want to run something by you.
House: I will not have sex with you! Not again! It was miserable the first time – your desperate administrative need!

Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? (everyone stares) I’m being House. It’s funny.
Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out my nose.

Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: And dogs should stop licking themselves, but it isn’t gonna happen.

“Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg.” I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem… but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? “

“Who the man? I the man! .. I always suspected …”

House: So, we’ve got pride, anger, envy, gluttony….That’s four out of seven deadly sins in two minutes. Do you people keep records of these things? Is there a Cathlympics?
Eucharist: They say you have a gift.
House: They like to talk.
Eucharist: You hide behind your intelligence.
House: Yeah, that’s pretty stupid.
Eucharist: And you make jokes because you’re afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously, they matter, and if they matter –
House: And when things go wrong, I get hurt. I’m not tough, I’m vulnerable.
Eucharist: I barely know you, and I don’t know if I’m right. I just hope I am. Because the alternative is, you really are as miserable as you seem to be. [pause]
House: You know, from the way you’re looking at me right now, I’d say you just hit number five: lust.

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Season 3 from official site. September 13, 2006

Posted by J.P. in Houseism.
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“Is this an intervention? You’re a little late, since I’m not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.”
– Cane and Able

“The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It’s right there in the name.”
– Cane and Able

“She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking.”
– Cane and Able

“Why don’t I have high-def in my office? I’m a department head.”
-Cane and Able

Cuddy: “Why did you…”
House: “Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?”
– Meaning

“Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?”
– Meaning

Cameron: “You’re lucky he didn’t die.”
House: “I’m lucky? He’s the one who didn’t die.”
– Meaning

Season 1 from official site. September 13, 2006

Posted by J.P. in Houseism.
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Stacy:”He’s scared of you.”
House: “Sure. The ex boy toy. It makes sense.”
– Honeymoon

“We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.”
– Honeymoon

Cameron: “Previous tests revealed nothing that could’ve caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings.”
House: “Then we’re done. Ball game? Zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys.”
– Honeymoon

Cuddy:”Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can’t lecture.”
House:”You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I’m coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days.”
– Three Stories

“On average, drug addicts are stupid.”
– Three Stories

“The great thing about telling somebody they’re dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they’re willing to die for. What they’re willing to lie for.”
– Three Stories

“Keep talking. I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check.”
– Love Hurts

“Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you’ve got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills.”
– Love Hurts

Foreman:”Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently.”
House:”Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down.”
– Love Hurts

Cuddy:”Dr. House! Need you here.”
House:”No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something.”
– Kids

Cuddy:”You. In the lobby. Now.”
House:”I hurt my leg. I have a note.”
– Kids

Cuddy:”I’m working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old.”
House:”Sorry. It’s just you don’t usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
– Kids

House:”Sorry. Up late. Internet porn.”
Chase:”Why aren’t you in your office?”
House:”There’s a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.”
– Babies & Bathwater

“She has gone from the 25 th weight percentile to the 3 rd in one month. I’m not a baby expert, but I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to shrink.”
– Babies & Bathwater

“Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she’s only got thighs for me.”
– Babies & Bathwater

Chase:”House never gives speeches.”

House:”But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here.”

– Role Model

“By rush, I meant fast. Stat’s the word you doctors use, right?

– Role Model

“Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree.”
– Role Model

“You are the most naïve atheist I’ve ever met.”
– Role Model

Cuddy:”In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him.”
House:”Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can’t tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.”
– Role Model

“Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?”
– Heavy

Wilson :”The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor’s extremely large. At least thirty pounds.”
House:”It’s actually a personal record for this clinic.”
– Heavy

Mrs. Hernandez:”I’ll have a huge scar. I won’t be able to wear a bikini.”
House:”You wear a bikini now?”
Mrs. Hernandez:”Yeah, you have a problem with that?”
House:”No, but I’ve never gone swimming with you.”
– Heavy

House to Cuddy:”Jail. You’d like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit — that’s her new fantasy.”
– Mob Rules

Bill:”His name’s Joey. He’s my only brother.”
House:”He’s important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We’ll use the real medicine.”
– Mob Rules

“He’s a 30-year old mobster. He doesn’t have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone’s poisoned him.”
– Mob Rules

Chase:”You can trust me.”
House:”The problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you’ve been a big help.”
– Mob Rules

“Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile.

– Mob Rules

“She’s the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected.”
– Control

Cuddy:”I need you to wear your lab coat.”
House:”I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.”
– Control

Wilson :”And a very bad omen for you. There’s not much money in curing African sleeping sickness.”
House:”No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane — a billionaire who wants to get laid.”
– Control

Wilson :”She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one.”
House:”You get that often? Women who’d rather die than get naked with you?”
– Control

House:”Haven’t done the MUGA.”
Wilson :”Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?”
House:”Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart.”
– Control

Cuddy:”Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing…”
House:”Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia..noo-mania…?”
– Cursed

“A secret club. What’s the secret, they’re all morons?”
– Cursed

Chase:”How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?” House:”I’d hate it. That’s why I cleverly have no personal life.”
– Cursed

Cameron:”If it’s cancer, he can’t pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you’d pack him up and send him home.”
House:”My God, you’re right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we’re on it like stink on cheese.”
– Sports Medicine

“Foreman, how are you fixed for cash? Steal any cars lately?”
– Sports Medicine

Lola:”Even if real human contact is something you don’t have, or even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.

House:”Right. True love. That’s just how we match organs these days. There’s a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they’re trading brains.”
– Sports Medicine

“Let me talk to shipping. I speak their language. Foul.”
– Detox

Cuddy:”You know, there are other ways to manage pain.”
House:”Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?”
– Detox

“You always trust me. It’s a big mistake.”
– Detox

House to Foreman: “Go check out the ‘hood, dog.”
– Histories

Foreman:”A tuberculoma doesn’t give you a temperature of 105.”
Chase:”Then it’s a tuberculoma and something else.”
Wilson :”The ‘something else’ is going to melt her brain.”
House:”Poach. Better metaphor.”
– Histories

Foreman:”You assaulted that man!”
House:”Fine. I’ll never do it again.”
Foreman:”Yes you will.”
House:”All the more reason this debate is pointless.”
– DNR

House:”That paralysis thing. Guy can’t walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting.”
Cuddy:”Forget his paralysis.”
House:”Tell that to the rest of his bowling team.”
– DNR

“Like I always say, there’s no ‘I’ in team. There’s a ‘me,’ though, if you jumble it up.”
– DNR

“I’m extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.”
– Poison

Dr. House – “I assume ‘minimal at best’ is your stiff upper lip British way of saying ‘no chance in hell.'”
Chase:”Actually, I’m Australian.”
Dr. House:”You put the Queen on your money, you’re British.”
– Poison

Patient’s mother:”Who are you?”
Dr. House:”I’m the doctor who’s trying to save your son. You’re the mom who’s letting him die. Clarification. It’s a beautiful thing.”
– Poison

Dr. House:”Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?”
Adams :”Why?”
Dr. House:”Because you irritate me.”
– Poison

“Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?”
– Damned If You Do

“Don’t worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time.”
– Maternity

Dr. House:”How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s a critical shortage, I could run home.”
Dr. Cuddy:”No you couldn’t.”
Dr. House:”Nice.”
– Occam’s Razor

“Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.”
– Occam’s Razor

Dr. House:”Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.”
Patient:”What?!”
Dr. House:”You’re orange, you moron. And it’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she’s just not paying attention.”
– Pilot

“Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.”
– Pilot

Season 2 from official site. September 13, 2006

Posted by J.P. in Houseism.
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House: “Where are you going?”
Foreman: “You’re an ass.”
House: “I know. Where are you going?”
– No Reason

“I always say if you’re going to get shot, do it in a hospital.”
– No Reason

Jack: “I don’t want to hear semantics.”
House: “You anti-semantic bastard.”
– No Reason

“She looks just like you. You have the same fro.”
– Who’s Your Daddy?

“Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven’t found the gene yet…”
– Who’s Your Daddy?

“I’m a really good secret keeper. I’ve never told anybody Wilson wets his bed.”
– Who’s Your Daddy?

“Tonight, L Word marathon.”
– Forever

“Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER.”
– Forever

“I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?”
– Forever

“Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks.”
– Forever

“Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?”
– Euphoria, Part 2

Wilson : “You’re accessing a webcam?”
House: “Cuddy’s shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?”
– Euphoria, Part 2

“You’re upset that I’m doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day.”
– Euphoria, Part 2

“Everybody’s great when they’re half-dead.”
– Euphoria, Part 1

“Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.”
– Euphoria, Part 1

“No, if you talk to God you’re religious. If God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”
– House vs. God

“It’s either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that’d mess with my bowling league.”
– House vs. God

“Cuddy said you should do it. You’ve got a gift. People thank you for telling them they’re going to die.”
– House vs. God

“I’m a night owl. Wilson’s an early bird. We’re different species.”
– Sleeping Dogs Lie

“Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don’t give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.”
– Sleeping Dogs Lie

“Hey! How’s that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you’d be done for the night.”
– All In

“No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage.”
– All In

“The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It’s understandable. If he doesn’t die, they won’t be mad anymore.”
– All In

“Heart transplant. Immune system’s in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.”
– Safe

“Only way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I’m going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl.”
– Safe

“Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.”
– Clueless

“Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search.”
– Clueless

“Lungs, skin… skin, lungs… sklungs?”
– Clueless

Foreman – “His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.”
House – “Cool.”
– Sex Kills

“Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.”
– Sex Kills

Wilson – “How’d you get here?”
House – “By osmosis.”
– Skin Deep

“Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.”
– Skin Deep

Cameron – “What are you looking for?”
House – “Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment.”
– Distractions

Weber – “You can’t test anything on an abnormal brain.”
House – “That’s so close-minded, He’s not ‘abnormal.’ He’s special.”
– Distractions

Cameron – “Could pain medication cause an orgasm?”
House – “I wish.”
– Distractions

Cameron – “His brain is like a waiter that’s got too many…”
House – “Hey! I do the metaphors.”
– Distractions

“Wow. It’s a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong’ to ‘Do her.'”
– Need to Know

“Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.”
– Need to Know

Chase – “We’ve got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.”
House – “I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!”
– Failure to Communicate

Wilson – “Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?”
House – “They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.”
– Failure to Communicate

Foreman – “She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don’t see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings.”
House – “I was there and I have a nine-to-three job.”
– Deception

“What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I’m a doctor, I need to know.”
– Deception

“Sorry I missed that. White count’s been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.”
– Deception

Stacy – “Where’s Chase?”
House – “He’s too busy to service you until after work. I’ve got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, ‘What’ll we do with the time left over?'”
– The Mistake

“One caveat: I’ve now moved past threesomes. I’m into foursomes.”
– The Mistake

“Steve McQueen without hair? It’s a blessing he died young.”
– Hunting

“Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite.”
– Hunting

“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a… I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”
– Spin

“What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?”
– Spin

Cameron – “Who was that?”
House – “Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that’s sexy?”
– Daddy’s Boy

Foreman – “You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.”
House – “Which is why it’s going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.”
– Daddy’s Boy

“You — Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You — Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you — Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots.”
– Daddy’s Boy

“Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail.”
– TB Or Not TB

“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.”
– TB Or Not TB

“If I tried a scheme like this, you’d get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.”
– Humpty Dumpty

“Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.”
– Humpty Dumpty

“I’m happy to report that we are now so in sync, we’re actually wearing each other’s underwear.”
– Humpty Dumpty

“Union rules. I can’t check out this guy’s seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.”
– Autopsy

Chase – “If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.”
House – “Tell that to all the hookers who won’t kiss me on the mouth.”
– Autopsy

“Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?”
– Autopsy

“What’s with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?”
– Acceptance

“Talk to Cuddy. She’s got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She’s trying to impress her new sex-retary.”
– Acceptance

Stacy – “If you didn’t want me working here, why didn’t you just say so?”
House – “I don’t want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It’s a really big hospital.”
– Acceptance

Foreman – “Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3.”
House – “Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who’s chubby?”
– Acceptance

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. June 27, 2006

Posted by J.P. in Favorite quotes.
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All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Alexandre Dumas
French dramatist & novelist (1802 – 1870)